Depression

It has been more than a month. I was a bit superstitious when I had a period on the first day of 2021. I felt a bit low and headache and immediately I thought it was not a good sign. I didn't accept it right away. I have been struggling and I have tried different methods. It worked few days but it comes back quicker and more often than it used to be.

What I am worried about the most when I am depressed is that I have a feeling of indifference toward everything and everyone. Not about that I don't care but I do not feel a thing. It freaks me out a bit about it drags me down or keeps me behind everything.

Then I have realized that actually, my depression is a test. Not that my favorite or I intend to use it. Yet, it also happens to prove what I was sure and felt right wrong. Relationships and my perseverance have been attacked the most. Most of my romantic relationships die quickly and I wonder because I become boring or I care less to make it grow. However, I keep my eye like a predatory bird looking down at its prey, quickly see any fraud, and ready to kill. Kill it when it is weak. Kill it when it is bad. Kill it when it becomes so dull. Kill it when you feel it doesn't deserve you.

Friends treat me better in my dark time. Maybe I expect less so I am more expressive about my problems. Yet, telling comes with expectations. A silly response would tricker the abrupt ending. Fortunately, my friends are not so ignorant. They experience and they know how to be with me, even very short on the chat room. I have set up an app recording my steps. This trick helped me before but now only for a maximum of three days and then I don't even bother to compete with myself anymore. Duolingo learning is another one. I beat myself for ten days and then I lost for a couple of days. Then I went back for just 5 days and was about to give up. It happened on and one like that since the beginning of 2021. Conchita Wurst's song "Where Have All The Good Men Gone" has played in my head several times. But to be fair, I give up on love and relationship too. It is easy to blame depression but if I have to be honest, my depression makes me look at it sharper and I think that relationship terminated with reasons. Bad moments keep playing again and again in my head. Something you didn't say it but you notice. Ironically, when there is no feeling of love, your memories keep all the ugly moments.

Dear Conchita, all the good men are gone in good relationships with someone or become gay/queer friends that I, fortunately, have few.