Frustrated [woman, artist, queer, feminist?]?

4.1.2023

While it could be frustrating to fit in any box, or not be able to find any box that fits you better, and or hearing from anyone say that you are not …. enough, I am a complex frustrating and frustrated being, and the more I started feeling a sense of belonging in a box, the more feel more frustrated and fed of being pressured/oppressed as one of individual being in the category, as a part of that collective. I am also tired of criticism, not only from others but also mainly being self-frustrated about not being able to dig deeper enough into the complex reality/lives as a living being in a category. So now, imagining, a combination of at least four aspects [common, we are more than just four] of my identity, I feel like I am totally fucked.

Someday, the realization and the frustration hit you much harder than usual. Someday, you just tucked them so deep in a corner of your mind and do not think about them at all. Someday, you try to contemplate and just feel it so sucked that you give up in the middle of your contemplation. Sometimes, you can’t think even if you tell yourself that you have to think harder.

Then your frustration comes from your friends’ frustrations who make theirs on you and others. Maybe you do it to yourself and others unconsciously.

A very recent almost date told me I was sexually frustrated, perhaps. That was the reason for all of the above-mentioned frustration.

She was not right, of course. We know that sexual relief could not solve much as we wish or give it credit for. If a hard fuck could make you a good enough [ woman, artist, queer, feminist], common, I would pay hard money for that. Many people would do. 30000 USD may be not a cost norm but I would save much harder than I did to pay to get into anh Diễm My’s photography class which is 400 USD now.

Then again, why am I bothered so much by the phrase “not …enough”. You would name it; not good enough, not radical enough, not strong enough, not crazy enough, not creative enough, not dig deep enough, not well prepared enough, not thinking hard enough, not fluid enough, not hard enough, not flexible enough, not open enough, not focus enough…

On the other hand, you might be startled and paused, may be bothered, at least a bit when someone is saying you are too …. That means you are extreme. Why extreme would be a problem while not enough is also a problem.

My frustrating blab la in a frustrating day. Mostly at myself. Some I have learned are just some tinny tiny itch.

Is it called “let’s make a lemonade when life gives you lemons” when I am thinking about my series of writing or even making a page for all frustrated single middle age women and myself?

We wanted to inspire and to be inspired and then we make shit(*) while calling others making shits.

(we know that our shit is real shit or just shit, or just so so shit, why we could call out shit, is it hard to hear others call our shit? Should we be nicer/more gentle to each other acknowledging the whole process is a lonely journey that it is easier to say it shit than make a real/good shit and that whatever we say seems smart, it is actually not helpful in their becoming process? Is there any way to show the care we care about and could be more constructive? saying or not saying or saying what and what not to say, it is a question.

I sent to my blind friend. He is heterosexual yet as person with disability and non-normative facial form, he has been living his life very queer. he is queer. A beautiful queer.

Ah interesting. Well, what you’re talking about a lot of the time sounds like a common frustration that maybe people don’t much acknowledge — the search for the right category, or series of labels. So many of us find that labels are both profound health and a profound hindrance, often at the same time, especially when we are still trying to figure out our own needs, desires, social connections, and limitations. We assume an identity, and we quickly learn things, like that we are not the perfect whatever it is. I wonder if the best strategy is to somehow pursue understanding of, and also embrace your complexities and apparent contradictions. Maybe you already do to a large extent, and you’re frustrated that other people don’t see things that way. I guess I can relate to some of this journey myself.

I know that folks are particularly fond of categorization in the art world, where it serves as a marketing tool, as well as a means to find camaraderie and shelter in the storm.

And sometimes, when you are an outcast, or a minority, your label is like your membership badge. It’s how you find your species as it were, because some folks decided you are not really human.Sometimes a box is a house, and sometimes it’s just a box, and of course, it’s frustrating to sort that out.

"I was in the bad mood that day so it felt easily upset." --Kind of sounds like how I feel most of the time unfortunately.

I sent to my friend who is an artist, a film maker and seasonal sex worker. They have been in T for couple month. here is what they told me:

"If a hard enough fuck could make me a good XYZ, then I'd pay hard money for that " - I like this bit alot maybe because I know you've spent money on massages and our natural inclination towards wanting touch. There is nothing wrong with paying for touch or for a fuck!! Also women always get told they are sexually frustrated and it is our fault for that. I stop thinking about myself as ever sexually frustrated now... I just have alot to express!! I think frustration can feel lonely though. I've felt frustrated at institutions. Anger is better shared. Frustration is lonely in my experience."

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i was in very terrible mood these days. so I was intolerant to many things and very vulnerable. Unfortunately, my dear friend who was also not in good mind. he could not keep what he heard and knowing that telling me would help me nothing but he could not shut himself up.

anyway, I sent some texts to my friends. I did not want to confront or anything. I felt frustrated at myself and I could felt them also frustrated at themselves too. we wanted to make good works. I wanted my friends even though sometimes they were not nice to me and to each other. I still remembered some words but it'd better keep them myself.

i have been trying and changing. still struggling but i am better now in my creative and mental processes. (7/3/2023)